85. Multigenerational Living: How to Make It Work

So many families consider multigenerational living, whether that means parents moving in with their adult children or the other way around, and assume it will work out because everyone loves each other. That assumption is usually where the trouble starts.

More than 59 million Americans live in a multigenerational household today, four times what it was in 1971, and the reasons behind that shift go deeper than the obvious ones. We get into what actually determines whether this kind of living situation strengthens a family or slowly wears on it, and why the difference almost always comes down to what gets talked about before anyone moves in. We also get into what it takes to make the home itself work for everyone living in it.

In this episode:

• The real reasons families choose this now
• The money conversation nobody wants to have first
• Dividing chores without anyone keeping score
• Building in privacy even when space is tight
• Warning signs a living situation isn't working
• Changing course after the fact

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Transcript

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Jodi Rosko 0:01

Welcome back to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast with your hosts Jodi Rosko and Heather Fisher. We're talking about all things downsizing, from our own experiences with clients to guest experts. Let's make downsizing easier, one conversation at a time.

Heather Fisher 0:17

Welcome to another episode of the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. We are talking multi-generational living, how to make it work, the pros, maybe. We're seeing more of that, aren't we? Yeah, absolutely. There's actually a study out that 59 million Americans live in multi-generational households, which is quadruple what it was in 1971.

Jodi Rosko 0:42

Interesting.

Heather Fisher 0:43

So I think we're seeing a trend back to this, maybe, or you know, a new trend. Yeah. I'm Heather Fisher. I'm Jodi Rosko. And let's dive into, you know, some of those reasons why families choose multi-generational living.

Jodi Rosko 1:07

Yeah, I think if it's done intentionally, it can be, you know, great. If it's kind of done without any structure, it can get really messy. And um so we're going to kind of talk about what kind of structure that could look like and um how we can make it great if that's what's something something that you're thinking about.

Heather Fisher 1:25

Aaron Powell Yeah, multi-generational living um is m maybe the situations um, well, I mean, I guess it could be at the the other end of the spectrum, you know, your young adult children still living with you that would qualify as multi-generational. Yes. Um but we're talking here today as a downsizing option. Um, whether it makes sense for your family at that time when you know the the seniors may be considering is their home working for them, living alone? Is it a situation where there are needs that might be a consideration for you know a different a different way for your home to function? Um is this a choice where either adult children are moving in to care for the senior or the seniors are moving into the adult children's home or a new home for everybody uh that meets the needs for everyone to live together?

Jodi Rosko 2:27

Right. So um let's just talk about some of the motivation, right? I think um sometimes the real motivators are ones that people don't really want to admit at first, and like I think the number one motivator is financial. Um and sometimes that isn't how what reasoning if that's if financial is the reason, then you also have to make it work for you because sometimes financial being the top reason, that doesn't mean that personalities are gonna work through, you know, all of that kind of stuff. It's not like, oh, this is exactly what I want to happen. Uh so we have to work through it a little bit more if financial is the number one. But I I think that's what we're seeing, housing affordability and the savings for caregiving because it is very, very expensive. If you need caregiving, you know, average assisted living is you know, five thousand, six thousand a month or more in places. Um, and that's not even uh you know uh nursing care, that's just assisted living. So um sharing the mortgage, sharing utilities and groceries, you know, can save uh m money and sharing non-caregiving, especially if it's lighter caregiving, if it's not if it's just, you know, we gotta make sure mom's okay or you know, uh make sure she took her medicine or whatever those things are and not super super difficult caregiving.

Heather Fisher 3:47

But um Yeah, it's looking at what those needs are and does this solution meet those needs without burdening either side so much that it doesn't work in another way.

Jodi Rosko 4:00

Right. And care and and aging parents in the home can work both ways. If if there's not much caregiving or not any, um but there's children and that can be child care savings, like it can go both ways, right?

Heather Fisher 4:13

Yeah, sometimes that financial need is is on both sides. You said it at the beginning of the episode, the cost of living uh for families um to just handle all of the expenses is uh you know out of reach sometimes. And this is a great solution where you can save on future assisted living costs, you can save on caregiving, you have um you know that bond of all being together, but you're you're saving on those daily life um finances.

Jodi Rosko 4:42

Yeah, you can both kick in on the on the actual mortgage and utilities and all of that, and if they can help with the um childcare, I mean that's a win-win to have your another relationship that's so strong for your kids, I think, um is amazing. And to be able to save some money in there um with somebody who's raising them with a similar values as you and they're at home and doing, you know, uh a different it's a just a different feeling. And some people it's in their culture. The culture is is actually expected to have multi-generational, and so that is just not even a question. That's just how culturally it works. It's the default, not the exception.

Heather Fisher 5:20

Yeah, for some uh families uh uh branches of my own family, that is just the norm for all of adulthood that that's that shared generational um living together and and raising your kids from an early age alongside you know your parents being in the home and um seeing that, and that can work really well. Um I think the key there, and we're gonna talk about this a lot, uh, the key for those situations working long term are the expectations and making sure everybody's on the same page.

Jodi Rosko 5:55

How it's set up, yeah. And then another one is emotional, like things that people don't say, but like afraid of being lonely, um, you know, guilt about moving your parent somewhere, um, you know, you the adult child wanting to repay the things that they've received from their parents. Yeah. Um there's there's definitely some emotional um pieces that that come with it as well. So um there's all kinds of angles and um and and I think it can really be a great solution if it's set up properly and everybody has the same expectations, like you said.

Heather Fisher 6:30

Yeah. So conversations to be had. Let's talk through some of those. And I think the most important part is having the conversations first before deciding on the plan that works best for everybody.

Jodi Rosko 6:45

Right, because I think this is where it fails or it becomes really hard, or um and if it becomes hard on one side harder than the other, um, there's guilt, there's you know, all kinds of feelings, maybe some, you know, feeling like uh this isn't really what I got wanted to get myself into, and now how do I get myself out of it? And um, you know, feeling nervous about that and guilty about that. So um, okay, so number one, roles and expectations. Who's gonna pay for what? Are is it, you know, if you're moving into the parent home or if the parents moving into your home, you know, who's paying for what? Are you sharing expenses? Um, you know, what does that look like?

Heather Fisher 7:26

Dividing and at what, you know, equal, you know, shares, which categories of things, what things that um one or the other might be bringing that the other doesn't utilize, like how how does that all flesh out financially so that everybody feels comfortable, um, that it is a financial solution and not a burden for one person or the other, um, and that that it just you know happens and isn't a constant wonder.

Jodi Rosko 7:57

Right. And we've had clients who neither moved into the others' homes, they both sold their homes and bought a bigger home that was that would work for both, you know, the the whole family. So we've had all kinds of scenarios on that.

Heather Fisher 8:10

Yeah, I think that is a trend that I've seen uh in new construction too. Um, you know, multi-generational living can look a lot of different ways um where it can be, you know, completely separate spaces, um, like a full household of uh, you know, a small apartment style plus a house um that are on the same property, but not necessarily um combined into one household person.

Jodi Rosko 8:40

Like everybody shares the same kitchen and yeah, all sitting in the living room.

Heather Fisher 8:43

Yeah, and so um that's definitely a trend where there are floor plans out there that lean towards that, and so that's a consideration um w as to whether that would work better than sharing everything in the same space and and just looking at the financial picture and and seeing what would work.

Jodi Rosko 9:02

Yeah. Who handles the chores or the shared responsibilities? Um and so I think um in some ways that you know, some people that I've seen have the um the pa the kids go to work and do all the things and the parents might stay home and sometimes do the laundry and sometimes, you know, cook the meals or whatever and kind of help each other because the parents might be gone all day and that's back with the child care and stuff. But that has to be something that's designed it, that's decided on in the beginning, that everybody wants that to be happening, that it doesn't feel like it's pushed on one side either way, like you know, maybe maybe the kids don't want them to cook every night, you know, like whatever that looks like, but just something that is understood from the beginning and everybody is okay with it.

Heather Fisher 9:54

Yeah, I think going along with that, understanding the dynamic of what um what chores look like, you know, your standards of expectations for you know how often something needs done or um you know how something is done, because you can build up resentments thinking, oh, I wanted this done twice a week and they're not doing their share. But if it's um, you know, adult kids coming from their own household, everybody runs things a little bit differently. So if you're combining that, just being you know upfront on the day-to-day strategy of of what needs done and everybody being on the same page of that responsibility.

Jodi Rosko 10:36

And there's a lot of back stuff in that, like you know, what you had growing up, what your parents' expectations were then, you know, now you're adults and you you're diff. There's just a lot of emotional and kind of expectations around that. So those are those are things that just need to be specifically laid out so that people aren't feeling like, you know, they're back in their teenage room. Yeah. You know, like whatever that looks like.

Heather Fisher 11:00

But it can be a very hard dynamic without expectations because um, you know, you might be coming into a house where you did have a different role as a child, um, but now you know, you're parenting your own children and and you're just balancing all of that can just get tricky and it's very doable. And there's so many positives of the relationships and the the family bonds that can be built. But the last thing you want is for it to fail because people are walking around with resentment inside that they don't feel comfortable um, you know, talking through.

Jodi Rosko 11:37

So, and that's the next question. What's off-limits, right? What is like, hey, this can't happen or I'm not okay with this, and that can be anywhere from how you react with each other, interact with each other, you know, the timing of things, where the boundaries are, what the chores are, you know, the finances, all of that stuff. But you know, what are off-limit things that you're feeling like I can't handle this specific thing?

Heather Fisher 11:59

Yeah, yeah, talking about what decisions get made together versus individually. Um, you know, anytime finances are involved, that can get tricky. And and so, you know, knowing what is a a fan a household decision versus um, you know, independent adult decisions for um finances that might feel a little bit commingled but still separate and and just having expectations of what all that looks like and feels like so conflicts don't bubble up behind the surface.

Jodi Rosko 12:34

Right. So even like furniture, you know, like if you're gonna get new furniture for the family room or whatever that looks like, is that a decision everybody's making? Like what does that look like, right?

Heather Fisher 12:44

Yeah. It's things you don't think about. It I think there's a lot of families that we've met or um talked to that's just like, oh yeah. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. And we want that for everyone, but I think some conversations up front definitely help that along.

Jodi Rosko 13:00

Yeah. So um privacy and boundaries. Like uh every adult needs some place sanctuary that they can have their alone time. Some people um just generally need more alone time than other people. And so um is that a bedroom, is that a sitting area, is that an you know, an area in the backyard, or is that an extra bedroom that's just yours for the den or theirs for the den, you know, like whatever that looks like, so that you can potentially watch different TV shows or, you know, do something.

Heather Fisher 13:27

Yeah, just having a a little quiet time and um, you know, if either party is moving into an existing family's space, being okay with which spaces are changing their use and um you know not having an expectation that everything will be exactly the same. It just isn't possible for that. So deciding which spaces, you know, remain their current use and um which spaces, you know, merge to fit the the new residents.

Jodi Rosko 13:58

Yeah, so clear private zones and shared zones, so you know.

Heather Fisher 14:01

Yeah, yeah.

Jodi Rosko 14:02

Um and set norms for like knocking before you enter and you know, guests how many people are gonna, you know, be able to come over and quiet times and um that all sounds maybe a little crazy, but I think it's something that you know anybody that lives together in a house should have respect for each other on what that looks like and if you know somebody goes to bed early, like the c you know, the house might need to be a little bit more quiet or whatever.

Heather Fisher 14:31

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I remember when my daughter was moving into the dorms at college and they had to have a a little mm-sit-down meeting with the the roommate agreement and you know Right the rules. The the rules, but but you know, that agreement word is you know, getting everybody on the same page so it might hit someone out of left field like I had no idea you were mad. Right.

Jodi Rosko 14:56

That these people are over until one in the morning every night.

Heather Fisher 14:58

Yeah, yeah. But even you know, whatever that looks like, it might not feel like um an intrusion on the by the person who's doing something and they just don't realize it. And so uh being clear up front always helps.

Jodi Rosko 15:13

For sure. Um communication style and conflict plan. So create a family like pulse check meeting once a month, like, hey, you know, is is everything good? How are we doing? Um commit to speaking about the issues early because that's the thing. When you shove them down, that's when the resentment comes and you're like, okay, I'm not gonna talk about it this time, but that really uh i irritated me. And then it keeps happening until then, you know, it boils over in a probably more dramatic way than if you had just been like nipped it in the beginning and were like, hey, this is one of my boundaries, like this is I'm struggling with this.

Heather Fisher 15:46

Yeah, absolutely.

Jodi Rosko 15:48

And then what happens when somebody breaks a boundary? Like what, you know, what does that look like for you guys? What is is that everybody has a different way of handling things, but is that some kind of family power or what what is that, you know?

Heather Fisher 16:00

Yeah, I think that check-in um and having established kind of what those boundaries are up front is what gives you that power to work through it much easier. Like, hey, as a reminder, you know, we talked about how important it was that, you know, I had this space and and you know now I'm seeing a lot of this stored in there. Can we get back to to me having that, you know, place to read my book? And it's expected and it takes a lot of the emotion out of you. Right. Just a lot easier to talk about.

Jodi Rosko 16:36

Right. Timeline clarity. So like when this happens, what is it looking like? Is that a short-term, hey, we're gonna live together here for, you know, a year until this happens, or um, you know, is this a long-term, this is what's happening from now on? And so um because I think we have seen this happen where one of the parties thought it was a short-term thing, and one of the parties thought it was a long-term thing. And so, you know, I think that's something to think about. And yeah.

Heather Fisher 17:08

I think uh having part of the conversation early on too is what are the the milestones or what are the the catalysts where we're gonna re-talk about whether this is still working? Because if you're talking about the aging process, what might work as caregiving, just oh, you know, we cook dinner five nights a week, and that's really helpful to um someone that has less energy and you know, we mow the lawn, that is caregiving and it might work, but at what point do the the needs um become so much that that caregiving situation doesn't work because of jobs and life and all of that? So just kind of knowing like uh, you know, it's that's less of a concrete timeline, like, okay, we're moving out in two years, but having that early conversation of we're so glad to be able to do this for now, but if it gets to the point of whatever that looks like, we're gonna, you know, what's that not not plan B, but next plan like a like a and what's that path?

Jodi Rosko 18:18

Is it a financial rebuilding? And so when it gets to X amount of dollars, like you're maybe adult kids, you know, then you move then this is when you're gonna move out. If it's a caregiving situation, it's like, well, when it gets to this point, whatever that is for you, I'm not been I'm not, you know, skilled enough to do that, or I can't do 24-hour care because I have a job, or whatever that looks like. You know, what are those what are those kind of uh early conversations about mile markers and yeah, like uh life events or mile markers, or like what are those things for you um in in in any kind of change that might happen.

Heather Fisher 18:54

Yeah, because then when those conversations come up and it starts getting discussed again, it's not a rejection of I don't want to help you anymore.

Jodi Rosko 19:03

It's just like, okay, we're meeting those spots where um Well and it's not a all of a sudden like, okay, all of a sudden this is too much for me. Yeah. Where, you know, it really isn't an all of a sudden it was it was always a boundary for them. They were always like, if it gets to this point, whatever it is, I we we need to retalk about it. Um but if you don't if you don't say that up front, then when it happens, it feels like this what? Like what do you mean?

Heather Fisher 19:30

And it feels like, you know, the other person has that sprung on them and that and so Yeah, and back to that that planning um that could without these conversations, it could leave one person looking at it as a long-term plan and planning other things uh, you know, around that long-term plan where one person's looking at it as a short-term plan, and that creates conflict in and of itself.

Jodi Rosko 19:54

Aaron Powell Right. And I think assuming that everybody's on the same page is the biggest thing that we see. It's like, oh yeah, it's fine because you didn't talk about it and one is thinking short term and one is thinking long, but the other ones think they're thinking the same thing as them, right? Because they didn't have an actual conversation about it.

Heather Fisher 20:10

Yeah.

Jodi Rosko 20:11

Okay, so designing the house to support multiple generations, um, how do we do that? So making the house work for people, um, you know, not the other way around. So creating separation where possible, like Heather was talking about even in New Builds, they do have like whole little little bitty apartments. It's like a you know a kitchen, a bedroom, a family room, some laundry, you know, and maybe a garage space. Um that is something that can be ideal for people, but maybe you don't have that opportunity. Maybe you have a basement space or loft space or some other area that can be finished out for um a separation of space. Um we have been seeing also in um new builds uh where there's just another primary bedroom on the main floor. Like if it's a two-story house, either they have two primaries, you know, in a ranch or or they have you know, one upstairs and one on the main floor, so that you could use that as um, you know, the primary for someone who's having trouble with steps and then the um you know other um person at the house still has a primary bedroom. On a different floor or in a different area. So keep creating that those separations, I think, um help because everybody needs a little private space or uh everybody needs to feel like it's their own space. It's not like they're in living in someone else's space. That always feels uncomfortable.

Heather Fisher 21:41

So is there an extra bedroom that could be um someone's den and bring, you know, their furniture, their things that they are comfortable with and gives them a spot that's not just a bedroom uh to to have a a little space for reading or TV or whatever they need just to be alone. Um That's often something we see in a house that's not built specifically for that. Is there an extra bedroom or an office or a formal dining room that's not being used that some walls could be added or temporary wall, you know, just a way to kind of block it off into a little bit of a a retreat.

Jodi Rosko 22:20

Right. And same thing for the garage, who's parking in the garage, you know, or the parking spaces. Um can you set up a little mini kitchen area that, you know, all of the things that you know you use are all together kind of and you can kind of have your own little spaces um working, you know, in what the things are that you use all the time. Um so yeah, just be cognizant that people need a little bit of their own space in different rooms that are community spaces too.

Heather Fisher 22:48

Yeah, defining um that storage. I know it was difficult when I combined houses with my husband and we initially moved into a house he lived in prior to me. And and when you're combining, you know, carving out room for whoever's moving in to have storage and have that, um, you know, it's hard to to recognize how important that is for people to just have some space to bring what they love and and do that.

Jodi Rosko 23:18

Especially if you're moving into someone else's house or they're moving into your house, right? Um and you're not, you know, starting over with a new house where all of that will kind of fall in its own place. Um you have to really be intentional about thinking about, okay, I have my storage space is full. Okay, where's their storage stuff gonna go? You know, and and maybe some of yours needs to be let go, right?

Heather Fisher 23:42

All the more reason to listen to other episodes and and downsize a bit.

Jodi Rosko 23:46

But plenty of other episodes on that.

Heather Fisher 23:48

Definitely needs to be thought about. And um back to those boundaries. Do you have um you know things in common spaces that you would still prefer someone not to to use? Electronics or kitchen appliances or you know, just those boundaries of you know, we'll share all of this, but you know, I would prefer you not use this. It just needs to be said and not assumed if there's anything like that.

Jodi Rosko 24:18

Right. Um safety upgrades for older adults. Uh take a look at the house with fresh eyes. Did we need some grab bars somewhere? Um is stair stair lighting, are there rugs they can trip on, you know, non-slip flooring, uh, make sure the paths are all safe. Um even in our house that um Mark's parents didn't live in, um, and for my grandma and we put a grab bar on the in the garage. There's like two steps up from the garage into the kitchen, but we had to put a grab bar up there so that they could get themselves into the house. And and so um things that you don't think about, but you just pop up those stairs like nothing. Um so so is it something that needs to be added? Just kind of are they struggling with anything?

Heather Fisher 25:03

Um and so yeah, those kind of Yeah, I think too um a a lot of younger generation, our our houses are much more smart houses. Our appliances, our technology, our TVs, everything work differently than maybe our parents know how to control. So if it's your parents moving into um, you know, your space and sharing that, what do you need to do? Whether it's simple instructions on how to work the TV how to work the TV remote, what happens at different times, the you know, uh a lot of things that might be connected to your phone that, you know, do we need to share access? Do we need to change how that works? There's solutions for all, but someone can feel very um lost in an environment if they don't understand um, you know, those differences and how to work things. I know my mom came to visit us and our lighting, my husband has a lot of lights on timers and things like that. She's kind of like, what is going on? You know?

Jodi Rosko 26:09

Our living room lighting is on our phone now, like, and so it took me a minute, honestly, to be like, wait, what are we doing? Like, you know, now I'm gonna just turn the lights on and from my phone.

Heather Fisher 26:20

And so yes, but um Yeah, but if you have someone else over, they're kind of like, how do I turn the line? Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's a lot um to be just thought through to make sure it works for everyone, or it's been adapted or instructions um left.

Jodi Rosko 26:39

Yeah. And there can be some things that you might want to add, fall sensor, you know, something like that. Um smart thermostats that you control from your phone and you can change those kind of things, video doorbells, any kind of, you know, any kind of door video things or whatever. Um, like you said, there's so much smart things that are happening in houses. Um so that can help with safety as well. So yeah. Um okay, we've talked a little bit about storage and clutter control, but shared spaces, you know, these are kind of the rules of like, hey, don't leave your socks like under the um under the coffee table, and not talking about anybody specifically. Child of mine. Um but um you you just want to keep all of those places you know clean, cleaned up of your own things, right? And so that can get out of hand very quickly if you have um you know several adult, you know, four or five adults living in in a in a house or adult kids and you know, it adults and parents, that can easily get out of hand. If everybody leaves two things in a room, you know, that's ten things that are sitting, you know, in a room. And so that can just get out of hand super quickly. So shared spaces.

Heather Fisher 28:40

Yeah, back to those expectations. Um, you know, someone might be coming from a house where you leave the dishes on the towel to dry, you know, on the rack to dry, and someone else is I dry them all right away and put them away. And um, anytime you're sharing spaces, just making sure those expectations are clear or you're okay with your own expectations, you know, going in with an attitude of change is change. We know it can be hard. And um just going in knowing you're okay with the small things and here's the important things.

Jodi Rosko 29:14

Yeah. So um and and setting household volume rules, you know, one in, one out, or how much stuff are you allowed to sit around, you know, that everybody feels comfortable with. Um things again, the more people that are in a house, the more stuff that can come in and not go out and can, you know, start to overwhelm you quickly. Um and just have areas that each person has their own space that they can use that i i isn't yours, right? And so um kind of even if you have a drop zone, right? Maybe they everybody has their own little space in that drop zone of where their shoes can go or their coat or their whatever. So everybody knows where their stuff should go.

Heather Fisher 29:57

Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head earlier when you when you said, you know, if your stuff storage is already full, where is their stuff going to go? And and that's where it can be back to what we've talked about on so many episodes, that visual clutter, because enough downsizing wasn't done to make room for m more people to move into to whichever space it is. And so a lot more suddenly is visually cluttering spaces, piles and corners, or more stuff on the countertops. And so really being intentional about um, you know, if this is a long-term plan, um, back to when we talk about silly things like, oh, I didn't realize I have 10 spatulas. Well, does this mean your household now has 20? You know, um you know, just being able to let go of things that you might not need because you don't need two households worth of things.

Jodi Rosko 30:57

And I can get that that can be hard because sometimes it's like I want my favorite thing and I don't want to only be using your things and you know, like I think it has to turn into an our things kind of thing unless it is a very short-term thing, and then you need to figure out whose stuff goes where and is some stuff in storage, you know, in the meantime while we just go ahead and use what we have. You know, it depends on what that looks like in the timing of how long it's gonna be.

Heather Fisher 31:20

Yeah, it's it's all back to things, but there's so much emotion behind things. We talk about that all the time. And so uh just being cognizant of you know, all of this when everyone has felt heard and feels like they belong and they're not in someone else's house, that you know, just makes the whole situation thrive and you can get so much from it.

Jodi Rosko 31:46

Yeah, I think that I mean, I remember hearing this a lot from my mom who um moved in to um my grandma's house um and eventually, you know, was helping take care of her her dad who ended up with Alzheimer's and then her mom. Um and my mom was sick. There was so much going on in all of those, you know, those years. Um but I I feel like she would say a lot of times, like, I just want my own stuff, you know, and she had moved into my grandma's as a short-term plan, which turned into a long-term plan for all kinds of reasons, both my grandparents' reasons and my mom's reasons. But she just wanted her own dishes and her own, you know, stuff. And um eventually she did just get some of it out because they kind of realized what was happening. But then that just meant there was a lot of stuff in the house because there wasn't a lot that was gotten rid of when she got her stuff out. But you do want to feel like some of it's yours and you aren't just living in someone else's house if that is your actual solution for living.

Heather Fisher 32:47

Yeah, absolutely. It it it takes planning to figure that out.

Jodi Rosko 32:51

Yeah. Um okay, so um money, bills, groceries, fairness. Fairness. Fun topics. Thanks, Jody. Yeah. So um I think that money can be the you know actual thing that blows everything up on this sometimes. Um and so feeling like somebody's paying more or somebody is, you know, taking advantage or any of those things, I think that's where people get, you know, really kind of upset about stuff. So is it an equal split? Is it a percentage based on income? Is the adult child paying the utilities and the parents are covering the groceries? Like what's happening? What feels like uh a fair fair equity for everyone? Um, and that's up to you. You know, honestly, that's that is there's no right or wrong answers on these. That is just kind of a, you know, conversation that everybody needs to have. And are the parents paying some money into the house so that it can, you know, keep m moving smoothly? Uh or are they not just, you know.

Heather Fisher 33:57

Yeah, I think we can't say enough. All of this uh works better with conversations up front and just figuring out that and taking the unmet expectations that nobody knew about off the table.

Jodi Rosko 34:11

Aaron Powell Yeah. Are the parents living on Social Security or do the parents have, you know, a big nest egg? Like it just you never know. So there's not like there is no right answer to this, but there is an answer for your family that you need to talk about so that everybody again is on the same page, right? Groceries are uh is the kitchen being shared, or somebody some are you separating it in some way? Are you creating an extra kitchen down down in the basement that's some you know theirs, somebody's um, you know, food? Are we just sharing all the food? Is somebody gonna be like this is yourself on the fridge? You know, I mean whatever that is, again, that's who's cooking, how often are they cooking, all of those things are just things to have a conversation about and make some decisions.

Heather Fisher 34:52

Yeah, I would say too, um have consideration, are there other family members who won't necessarily be in the living situation, but uh, you know, feel they might have an opinion and setting those expectations, um, you know, if there are siblings involved and what that looks like and uh, you know just a whole lot of conversations. Um, you know, are there grandchildren that are older, you know, not little kid grandchildren, but adult grandchildren? What does that look like? Um just making sure everyone knows the situation. They don't know need to be in on the day-to-day details of who's doing the dishes, but just a general um conversation if it's an extended family to make sure all of those dynamics, you know, stay happy and positive like you want them to.

Jodi Rosko 35:44

For sure. Um and some stuff that you might think about. If you have a little bit more income in the family, maybe it's worthwhile to pay a house cleaner, you know, so that not everybody, anybody feels like they're being taken advantage of in that way or pay for the lawn to be done, or you know, something like that. If you feel like, hey, we have a little bit more money to do that, and nobody feels like they want to be stuck with that. Um, you know, those are options.

Heather Fisher 36:08

Disposable income from combining, um, what could you apply that to to make it better for everybody?

Jodi Rosko 36:15

Maybe if there is a little bit more caregiving that needs to happen, maybe um there's some money for some respite care for the caregivers in the house, you know, something like that. So things to think about, you know.

Heather Fisher 36:25

Yeah, there's a lot of um non-medical um care options as well that if if you are the adult child and you're like, okay, I've got kids and sports and a full-time job and all of that, it it can you can still be doing a lot of the heavy lifting by being there. You're uh there in case of emergency and all of that, but you can hire someone to come and take mom or dad to doctor's appointments or um spend time with them or help with things around the house, um, and that's a great solution as well.

Jodi Rosko 36:59

Yeah. Okay, emotional realities, daily life together, right? So that everybody's identity shifts and you're the parents might feel a little bit loss of independence. Um the kids might feel like they're in that sandwich generation between taking care of their parents and taking care of the kids, and it might feel like too much. The spouse sometimes might be like, okay, you know, this is your family moving in, and I'm feeling, you know, a little bit on the sidelines here, or that might feel a little bit weird. Um, you know, the grandkids might feel like this is this is, you know, I'm confused about what's happening in this space now that we have grandma, grandpa live here, you know, there's just a lot of emotions that come around it and identity shifts from you're the parent and the child to, you know, you're not quite the same. I mean, you still always will be, but there has to be some movement around that.

Heather Fisher 37:56

Yeah, it's hard to not slip into those roles without meaning to and and revert back to what you were used to. But especially if there's a a spouse that didn't grow up in that family dynamic, just being extra careful with those conversations of expectations there and um you know, just making sure that all works together.

Jodi Rosko 38:18

Yeah. And I think some of the unspoken resentments that can come up are you've somebody feels taken for granted, somebody feels like they're making all the decisions, you know, like they uh they're the ones that are handling every crisis, every single thing that happens.

Heather Fisher 38:35

Um someone feels like they've given up everything and you know they're the ones kind of making it work and muddling through.

Jodi Rosko 38:44

Yeah. Parents will, you know, criticize the parenting that their kids are doing of their kids, right? And so um then they kind of get in this whole like, these are my kids to parent, you parented me, you know, I don't want to whole, you know, there's a whole thing around that. Um or the adult kids are making decisions for the parents and they're not ready for that. They don't they're they feel like, hey, I'm still your parent, I don't want you to, you know, make be making choices for me. There's all kinds of, you know, there's all kinds of emotional pieces to it. So when you look at it on paper and you're like, oh my gosh, this is gonna save us a bunch of money and this is gonna be so great, and it might, um, but it also is gonna be an adjustment for everybody and really something to look at um in your very best um with with new eyes, right? In your very best way of not looking at it with through the filter of your old life, you know, and of trying to look at it through fresh eyes of what your relationship could be now, instead of just going, you know, reverting back to what it was.

Heather Fisher 39:49

Yeah, some structures that make it work long term. Um I I think there's a lot of benefits that um can come from this. And the the most important one is that time and that bond uh that you get with someone that you might not if you just were popping over every few weeks for a a Sunday dinner or what whatnot. Um what a what a gift to be able to have that time uh with your parents and and their you know, especially if that gives them time with their grandkids and the grandkids get that relationship. Um I I personally always had grandparents that lived out of town from where we lived. And so I didn't have that day-to-day like grandparent experience and you know, for if you can make that work and give that gift um of those bonds going deeper.

Jodi Rosko 40:41

I think for your kids, like for my kids, I think it is so important to know that it's not just me and my husband in this world that like you know cares about them and will take care of them. I think it was it's super great for them to know that there are more people that love them as much as we do and are there for them and will, you know, support them and help them in whatever way they can and just giving them a broader base of you know family, I think that is really interesting and good. Um Yeah, so there I think there's a lot of good things that come can come from it. Um and and so if it's not working, if you're doing this and it's not working, you know, some of those warning signs are gonna be like one person's gonna do 90% of the caregiving and like they're gonna burn out. Um there's silent treatment or passive aggressive, you know, kind of just a friction of energy in the house. Um financially that's not working the way that you thought it was gonna be. Um mobility or health changes, and there we didn't talk about that ahead of time and make a plan of what that looks like, or the spouse is feeling like totally overwhelmed by, like you said, they didn't grow up in this environment that you did, and now they're just not fitting into whatever that that is. So um if that's happening, you know, it doesn't mean that you're fully failing at it. It means that you just need to have, you know, some conversations around what that looks like.

Heather Fisher 42:07

Yeah, if you're considering this as an option for your family, all we can say over and over again is that upfront conversation and really planning it is the way to make this a success and it can bring so many rewards. And if you're already in the midst and you made that leap and you moved right in and it's not working, it's not too late to go back and just be like, hey, let's reset this so we can all feel better about it and we can do this um, you know, the way we we maybe should have started it, but it's not too late to just have those conversations, set those boundaries, hold to them um once they've been decided on, and go from there.

Jodi Rosko 42:48

And if you've done that and it's not working, it's okay to make other choices too, right? It's okay to be like, okay, we tried this and this isn't working for whatever reason, and we need our separate space and whatever that is, and take the time and find the right space and and move out too. There like there are there's no wrong, there's no wrong answers here if that's something that you can financially you know work with. If not, then you gotta figure out how to make it work. But maybe these um maybe these will help you have good conversations about it.

Heather Fisher 43:19

Yeah, we hope we gave you some great things to talk about with your families as you you know consider this as a plan or uh look to whether it's an option in the future, and we look forward to being back next week with another topic.

Jodi Rosko 43:32

Yeah, if you need help from us, downsizingroadmap.com, please uh reach out. Yeah, we'll talk to you next time.

Heather Fisher 43:39

Thanks for joining us on the Downsizing Roadmap Podcast. If you found this episode helpful, be sure to subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with someone who might need a little downsizing inspiration. Have questions or ideas for a future episode? Shout to us on our website, www.downsizingroadmap.com. Until next time, let's keep simplifying and moving forward.